12 Oct Life, Death & Launching – Part 2
Two weeks later, a few days after the ceremony and wake, our girl and I boarded a plane back to Australia. My man would stay in Japan for a further 6-weeks to support his Mum and to wade through the masses of paperwork involved with death in Japan.
By this stage I was spent. 9 weeks pregnant with epic fatigue and blood sugar crashes, the heat and humidity of a Japanese summer sucking the life out of me, juggling a bored almost 2-year-old, family dynamics, supporting my man plus doing my best to show up and market my book, I left the country feeling so squeezed, it was as if I was in a pressure cooker!
Now I was looking down the barrel of six weeks parenting a toddler solo in early pregnancy. I’m sure single parents everywhere have it much worse – but this was a first for me and to say I was intimidated by the prospect was an understatement.
I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern in my life. Whenever things go awry around me, my inner world experiences the same kind of intensity and upheaval. Routine, a familiar home base plus the time and space to retreat when I need to, are all essential for me to stay centred. Especially because I am so sensitive to other people’s energy and emotions (both expressed and projected). My time in Japan, under these exceptional circumstances, allowed for none of that. Early pregnancy made it even more challenging. Some deep shite was triggered that I didn’t know what to do with.
I’d love to say that I’m able to keep a lid on it and ‘harden up’, so to speak, but I’ve spent much of my life doing that and I just can’t anymore. The healing work I’ve to date to simply won’t allow it. I’ve learnt that it’s better for my mental and emotional wellbeing (and everyone around me) that I find safe and sacred ways of honouring and releasing this energy when I need to. Still, I managed to make it home without any major meltdowns.
My arrival home was timed with probably the most intense eclipse cycles I’ve experienced so far.You name it, I felt it: anger, rage (boiling underneath my skin), frustration, overwhelm, resentment. Alllll the ugly stuff. There were moments where I thought there was something seriously wrong with me! It took me two weeks to ground myself properly and recover from the trip.
Eventually I got to a place where I was able to slowly process and begin to integrate all that had happened. In more ways than I can explain, it was obvious I was being tested and called to drop a lot of old ways of being. Like the victim, like the tantrum throwing little girl, like the helpless maiden. I had to choose whether or not I was going to rise to the occasion.
Of course, I chose to rise.
I surrendered to the early mornings, night wakings, skipped day sleeps and toddler melt-downs. I planned activities to keep both of us sane and occupied throughout the day. I pushed through the dinner, bath, bed, dishes, clean-up merry-go-round every. single. night.
Being in early pregnancy meant that I needed to be very discerning about managing my energy, especially with a energetic and curious toddler on my hands. So, I let plans for my work, my book and social media presence completely slide.
Instead of using day sleeps as time to focus on my work, I spent them de-compressing. Lying on the earth, channelling light, meditating, journaling and doing pre-natal yoga. Sometimes a combination of all of these things!
I took full advantage of the blissfully quiet evenings with super-charged self-care. Think low lighting, hot showers, body treatments, dark chocolate, early bedtimes, books or Netflix.
Any you know what happened?
I found a resilience I never knew I had.
I deepened my connection with my sweet daughter (and in doing so, with myself as a mother).
I experienced the nourishing correlation between Self-care and mothering.
For the first time since the new-born phase, I focused 100% on being a Mum and nothing else. I learnt to release my tight grip of control and just flow with what the day (and weeks) brought us.
This state of acceptance and surrender is something that I’ve decided I want to hold onto. As challenging as it was, having this time away from my soul work provided me with mental space and distance that I didn’t realise I really needed.
My focus has been sharpened. I’ve been able to get closer to what I really want in life and in my life’s work. Being REAL and expressing myself is a big part of that (hence this post).
I’ve realised that my emotions are my super powers and that my words can move people (actually I’ve always known this, now I’m ready to embrace it fully). I plan to write a lot more – as an outlet of expression first, strategy well and truly second.
I plan to show up more as who I really am, rather than who I think I ‘should’ be.
I’m going to focus on being of service both through my words and via 1-1 sessions. At least until baby number two arrives, then after crossing that threshold, who knows what will be next!
Above all, I want my work and life to be inspired by all the things that really matter to me. Deep connections, personal transformation, inspiration and the co-creation that exists between soul, spirit and heart.
Thanks for reading,